The following letter was recently received by a member of the COD and requires the group’s immediate attention:
Dear COD member:
I am currently a Ph.D. candidate in Harvard University’s
sociology department. My thesis will examine the phenomenon that
seems to be affecting a small faction of our society called the
Collective Of Disorders, which I’ve abbreviated to COD. I
was thrilled to discover there was a cycling group named COD and
assumed you had some knowledge of my work. One of your spouses
set me straight, however, revealing that COD stood for Crock of
Brawn.
I am writing to request permission to study your group, and, to
that end have prepared the brief questionnaire which follows.
While it is clear that you have perspective on and an
appreciation for one another, from the outside you appear a
strange mutation of the human species, well outside the norm (no
offense). After observation and data collected from interviewing
spouses of the COD group, it appears most members exhibit many
characteristics of COD - Collective of Disorders. The somber news
is that I’ve thoroughly researched the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and find no satisfactory
explanation for your bizarre behavior (no offense); however, with
the pioneering research being done, we are hopeful to gain a
better understanding of this phenomenon which appears to be
increasing in prevalence, as is evidenced in the growing size of
your group.
The following test is one of the measures we have developed to
determine whether you suffer from mild, moderate or severe
COD
1. You spend and enjoy hours stroking, massaging, lubricating & gazing at your ______.
a)self b) wife c) neighbor’s wife d) bike
2. You have a compulsion to scrub, shine, polish, and tinker with your ___________.
a)lawn mower b) snow thrower c) neighbor’s wife d) bike
3. You are most knowledgeable about your _______.
a)profession b) current affairs c) neighbor’s wife d) bike
4. You’re often consumed with scheduling, planning and organizing __________
a)work meetings b) family vacations c) quality time with spouse or partner d) bike rides
5. You spend as much time as possible ____________.
a)at work b) with your family c) enjoying quality time with your spouse or partner
d)on bike rides
6. After a bike ride you are likely to _____________.
a)work around the house b) spend time with your spouse or partner c) visit your neighbor’s wife d) e-mail descriptions and photos of your bike ride
7. Your favorite drink is _______.
a)Sam Adams b) a martini c) O’doul’s d) Citomax
8. Your favorite personal grooming product is ____________.
a)aftershave lotion or cologne b) a moisturizer c) hair gel d) butt cream
9. Your favorite coffee shop is _________.
a)Starbucks b) Peets c) Dunkin Donuts d) The Clever Monk
10. On a family car trip you are mostly to be ______________.
a)the driver b) the passenger c) in a different car d) biking to the destination
11. This year you have spent the most time traveling for ______________.
a)work b) family vacations c) political rallies d) bike rides under the pretext of saving the world
12. When packing for a trip, you make sure you remember ___________.
a) underwear b) a good book c) your toothbrush d) enough biking paraphernalia to stock Belmont Wheelworks
13. The majority of your hours on-line are dedicated to ______________.
a)researching data for work b) playing video games c) visiting porn sites
d)e-mailing the entire COD with yet another great idea
14. Your highest budgetary expenditure is _________________.
a)the mortgage b) college tuition c) health insurance d) bicycle accessories
15. Your most treasured photos are of ____________________.
a)your wedding b) your child’s bar/bat mitzvah or confirmation
c) your family trip to Disneyworld d) the COD at the top of Mount fill-in-the-blank
16. Your ideal Saturday night is spent _____________.
a)dining and dancing b) at family night at the movies c) visiting parents or in-laws
d) enjoying an early bird special and getting to bed by 9
17. You are most likely to fantasize about being _____________.
a)with a centerfold b) in a menage a trois with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston
c)with your neighbor’s wife d) being Lance Armstrong’s bicycle seat
18. You are most likely to use your bathtub for
a)soaking sore muscles b) bathing your children c) a romantic interlude with your spouse or partner d) submerging your inner tubes to check for leaks
19. When using your hand in a pumping motion, you are most likely to be _______.
a)mashing potatoes b) hammering a nail c) pleasuring yourself d) inflating a tire
20. You are most likely to experience euphoria after __________.
a)pleasuring yourself b) seeing your child’s latest accomplishment c) a promotion at work d) biking up Mount fill-in-the-blank
21. When you get up in the morning you are most likely to put on _______________.
a)jeans and tee shirt b) leisure wear c) formal wear d) spandex
22. The movie you most identify with is __________________.
a)Animal House b) The Graduate c) the Rocky Horror Picture show
d)Robinhood, Men in Tights.
23. You most identify with the following disorder
_____________.
a) narcissism –characterized by "spending
a lot of time looking at yourself or pictures of yourself
b) Narcoplepsy- characterized by –“ nodding
off while doing something else” c) fetish disorder
- characterized by " having intense longing and receiving
gratification from touching or mounting an inanimate object"
d) all of the above
25. Your favorite line is _____________.
a) Take my wife—please b) sniffable white powder c) at the West Newton Cinema before a four-star movie d) the COD pace line
24. Your ideal social evening with the CODs
consists of ____________.
a) listening to live music b) hanging out
and shmoozing c) dancing d) giving each
other awards and looking at pictures of yourselves
Thank you for taking the time to complete my survey and advance the understanding of the collective of disorders found in mutant species. May the road rise up to meet you.
Sincerely,
Calfee Gearforbrain